Overboard

Moving and new job are at the top of the list for life events most stressful. Moving back to a town where most of my friends live takes the edge off - I have some support and things to do from time to time. Also the folks at work are great and I am making a few potential friends, not just friendly-because-we’re-here acquaintances.

Still, I continue to be lonelier than hell. To offset this, I have been going on hikes with an active hiking group, and accumulating gear for actual backpacking trips. It keeps me occupied. I made myself a hiking quilt, sort of a sleeping bag minus the zipper and a couple other features that make mummy bags too claustrophobic for my liking. I joined hiking forums. I did a lot of research.

I’m still unpacking from the move and will likely share a booth at the swap meet with a friend to offload random items and the plethora of books I haven’t read in two years. My pets are doing okay, but I have lately wanted to kill them for waking me up too early - the time change is not our friend.

I am trying hard to move slowly, make no rash decisions, take deep breaths, move through the transitional period and let the situation settle before doing anything else like committing to another group or shifting my work schedule. The impulse is to get busy and stop feeling so lonely. It’s not that friends aren’t great - it’s just that I’ve gotten to the point that coming home to an empty apartment is getting harder and harder, and nearly half my life is behind me. One of my friends is widowed; she got to spend her younger active years with a husband she loved dearly. Others have had relationships, spouses, divorces, and have children and grandchildren to fill the space.

I’ve had relationships, a husband, and they’re all gone. In my less rational moments I have to wonder what I did wrong. It’s not like I don’t know how to be a good friend, or how to make connections. It’s just sort of what happened. And the older you get, the fewer options there seem to be. I haven’t met an unattached *person* in two years - everyone’s got someone. Forget meeting someone compatible; that seems like a pipe dream. The one compatible person I knew didn’t want me, apparently.

It all seems harder and harder to handle. So I write less, and blog less, and try harder to be active, because it’s pretty much all I can do.

And before you suggest dating sites.. been there, done that, not going back to it. All it taught me was that people either lie, or have distorted self awareness that leads to uncomfortable situations. I only ever met one person on them who was honest. That didn’t work either.