Performance anxiety. I hate second guessing. It doesn’t matter how much I edit or polish, there’s always the five stages of post- posting stress.

Stage 1: perfect! (hits publish button)
Stage 2, half an hour later: I bet I forgot something. Did I forget something?
Stage 3: geeeeze, what was I thinking?
Stage 4: ARG, why did I post?
Stage 5: Oh, forget it. On to the next fic.

Sisyphus

“Quit eating things that aren’t edible.” (to the cat - like she listens)
“Aren’t you a pretty bird?”
“Thank you for that de-motivational speech. see you next week?”
“That’s an interesting interpretation of a straightforward policy.”
“Since when are these meetings mandatory? they can’t figure out how else to keep the beatings going? I’ve noticed more people wearing track shoes lately.”
“A cut in pay, a boost in morale. These are the tradeoffs.”
“You don’t suppose they realize we’re all looking for real work?”
“There is not enough chocolate in the world for me to go there and do that.”

Followup call to person who interviewed me.

“Is [name] there?”

“No, she’s no longer with [business].”

Um.

Oh.

Guess I’ll keep sending resumes.

Finally got round to watching the movies. This particular movie has quoted Star Trek, LOTR, and collected assorted plot coupons familiar to anyone who’s kicked around sci fi movies for very long. Plus a really funny weapons interface that dangles the crew member in a 3D/holodeck thingie… picturing Worf using it resulted in gigglefits.

1. Register for a training a month and a half in advance. Four hours, in the afternoon, blocked off in your calendar. Schedule appointments around it.

2. Six days before the training, receive an email that says “please note training x will now be held on the day before the date listed in the training calendar.” Rearrange your life to suit.

3. On the Friday before the Monday that is to be the day of the training - “please note that the training will be from 8-12 and not 1-5 as noted in the training calendar. We are sorry for any inconvenience this may cause.” Yell YOU ARE NOT SORRY ENOUGH at the screen. Delete email with a fist to the mouse.

4. Go to the (last mandatory) training. Roll your eyes. A lot. A six line memo could have sufficed.

5. Get to work after the training. Be assigned to a school meeting at a location more or less adjacent to your own home, where you had lunch about twenty minutes ago. Drive across town to the meeting with a notepad and a forced smile.

6. Sit in office for twenty minutes before someone remembers you are there, and why, and actually bothers to check with someone who knows. Receive apologies that they did not inform your department that the meeting was rescheduled to two weeks from today.

7. On the way back to the parking lot, turn to face the school and shout YOU ARE NOT SORRY ENOUGH. Suck it up and drive past yon beckoning home on the way back across town to work.

8. Spend remaining hour of the day on the phone trying to provide billable services. Leave messages. The minute you get a live person on the phone and start a serious and productive conversation, the other line rings not once, but three times.

9. Half an hour later, listen to voicemail telling you “by the way, there is a meeting at X on Thurs — ” and stop when the phone rings. Upon answering the phone, the same voice informs you the meeting is really Friday, hee hee, sorry. Refrain from shouting YOU ARE NOT SORRY ENOUGH at this person who has so far neglected to tell you about two meetings, misspelled your name horribly on every piece of correspondence from her office, and routinely forgotten what department you work for, despite having weekly contact with her for a year.

Go home. Sigh. Do it again tomorrow.

I want September to go away now.

…between a better workplace and $500 per month extra spending money.

Which do you choose?

I have enough experience now to count as a real professional I guess, because I am getting actual interviews from my meager first efforts at sending resumes.

Wow.

I suppose it’s probably the least viewed video on youtube right now. It’s the only one I’ve finished, but not the first one I’ve done, and I’ve no idea how good it is.

Beast in Me

Ever feel like you were riding along on a tall wave and were just reaching the tiptop of it, and it was about to crash down flat and take you with it?

My first choice of work issue solution did not work out. Now I am discussing options and forwarding resumes.

I hate instability - I wanted to be here for more than a year. Now it’s looking like that isn’t an option.

I did not a single constructive thing for three days. Unless a marathon viewing of three seasons of a tv series counts.

Of course, one day of the three was spent trying to get rid of a migraine, which really isn’t going to qualify as laziness. Having a migraine is trying at best. I think I may have slept for twenty hours, give or take.

I’m still not talking about the huge stressful work-related thingie, but that doesn’t make it less an issue.

I think there may be a future for me yet, however. Stay tuned.