BSG 78: The Living Legend pt 1

I’ve recovered enough from the last round to pick up where I left off with… BSG Old Skool Reviews! Good grief. You’d think I would learn.

We have Lloyd Bridges starring as Commander Cain in this round. John Colicos and his rubbery Phlox-like jowls are of course starring as Baltar.

Go, vipers! Go Apollo! Go Starbuck! uh oh. Someone’s snuck up behind our friends and started shooting. You know, it looks like another viper. Two. Confusion all the way around. Finally someone recognizes someone else and they fly off to land on the Pegasus. Apollo won’t shut up as ordered. He’s busy exclaiming over the wow-ness of it all.

Back at the fleet, they’re out of gas. Okay, Tylium, but yeah. And they’re picking up… civilian cylon transmissions? What’s the difference between a cylon civilian and a cylon centurion? Maybe civilian cylons have interchangable face plates? LED jackets? Bluetooth connectivity and optional MP3 player features?

Starbuck and Apollo walk into a dramatically dark room and meet Cain, who’s about as arrogant as any narcissistic CEO you’ll find. He tells them they’re going on the offensive against the cylons. Apollo’s a little agog. So am I.

Galactica picks up Pegasus and can’t figure it out. Until the signal comes in and Cain is calling Adama an old war daggit. ???? He’s not quite furry enough, but all righty then. A shuttle brings him right on over and much swaggering and hugging and cheering ensue. Adama’s having a bit of shock and awe. After the cheering dies down and Adama and Cain talk privately we find that Cain wants to take on a cylon base called Gamoray (an evil part of my brain is now singing, “when a guy hits Colonel Tigh with a big pizza pie that’s Gamor-aaaayyy”).

Scene change - Cain asks Starbuck and Apollo to help him locate the love of his life. He plays a 3D image of Cassie saying, “help me obi-w — ” No, bad fan! She’s saying “come back real soon, you old war daggit.” And then he asks if they’ve met his daughter Sheba, and plays a bit of Sheba wishing her dad a happy birthday. WHYYYYY? There is no point, other than Cain forcing family vids on them. They’ve met her. She nearly shot them down.

Starbuck goes to talk to Cassie, and thinks she’s going to have to let the old guy down easy, but when he finally spits out the message, she whirls and races out. How she finds Cain I’m not sure - maybe there’s a neon sign outside his door? They snuggle and huggle and cuddle and confess great angst and missing you and she’s all glowy. And she tells him Starbuck is in love with her, and she needs time to think. She didn’t say ‘I’m in love with Starbuck.’ Hmmmmmm. So, Starbuck’s the substitute, perhaps not as dear to her as the Big Man Cain?

Starbuck, meanwhile, is talking to Apollo about it. He’s all nervous about the situation, but denies any intent to marry or whatever, and also says she wouldn’t marry Cain, and who cares? Not Starbuck. Uh huh.

Boxey perks up when Starbuck leaves - “poor starbuck, well, at least he’s still got Athena. And Miriam, and — ” Apollo’s a bit aghast that a kid who’s all of eight could possibly have noticed all the chicks Starbuck hangs out with. Like, you couldn’t miss it - even a blind man walking around without a guide daggit would bump into one or three of them wimmen. Srsly.

Sheba’s bragging about all the bases they’ve knocked out. Apollo’s all insistent that their upfront tactics won’t work for the fleet cause they have lots of civilians to protect. Sheba’s as argumentative and arrogant as her daddy. Who arrives just a few minutes later with Cassie, and Sheba gets upset and runs out. Aw, grown daughter doesn’t like dad hanging out with a hooker. Okay, former hooker. But given the timeline it’s pretty sure she was one when they first hooked up, unless the canon’s been rearranged and she was supposedly a nurse back then instead.

The commanders try to agree on a plan of action - Cain wants to do it with just his warriors, Adama wants to merge squadrons. Tigh and Adama are all gaga about this guy. Apollo tries to console his Pa by saying everyone admires him and respects him just the same and Adama sort of does the accept-it-and-brush-off thing before seeing him off.

Sheba argues with her daddy as he’s sitting in a viper - don’t go, too risky, no, it won’t be — geeze, this sounds a little like Star Trek where the first officer and the captain argue over the mission and whether it’s safe for the captain. Cain wins. Apollo and Boomer are among the vipers flying toward the base, and suddenly Cain is changing plans right and left, claiming he can ‘feel’ the enemy and knows what’s really happening, and Apollo’s not happy - but what can you do? They fly into some sort of cloud. Apollo finds the tanker they’re after, then another, then cylons come in fighting.

Cain’s all swooping around shooting cylons. He sends blue squadron (the Galactica contingent) after some fighters veering away, and Cain destroys the tankers while they’re gone. Sheba helps him. He denies knowledge of where the tankers went. Back with Adama, he blames the situation on mixing the two squadrons together. Now he’s saying they need to go after the base, since the tanker thing didn’t work out. Adama orders him off - he wants to work on a battle plan right away, but Adama holds firm, and won’t let Apollo complain after the meeting either. Adama just stands there and stares him down until he leaves.

He finds Sheba and she says the tankers were caught in crossfire and it was accidental. He doesn’t believe it. Sometimes, Apollo can be smart!

Cain insists his plan will work. Adama wants to split the Pegasus’ fuel among the fleet and make it somewhere they can get more fuel without tangling with the enemy. Argue, bitch, moan - but in this version Adama is also the President. Cain then insists upon carrying out the mission anyway. Adama confronts him on the tankers. He doesn’t deny it but froths that they must take Gamoray! (evil brain! stop singing!) Adama repeats orders and furthermore puts Tigh in command of the Pegasus. Oooooo. Lookit them balls! That’ll teach Cain to tap Adama on the chest with his silver-tipped pokey stick.

Cain goes drinking. Sheba arrives and tells him she and the men will follow him wherever he goes. He says he knows what they mean, but no mutiny - he won’t pull out and leave civilians defenseless. Hmm, changing your tune much?

Baltar and his Rubber Cheeks strut and brag about how complete their victory will be to Lucifer the Christmas Tree Light Cylon in Red Lame. He says ‘Gamoray’ about fifty times, and my brain won’t quit singing…. Ugh. Oh, saved by the centurion who interrupts them. Baltar decides in a moment of supreme hubris that he will lead the strike force to destroy the fleet. He grins, turns around, and takes out a wall with his cheeks. Well, not really - but it could happen.

A shuttle docks on the Pegasus and Tigh is in charge. Lt. WoodenMan informs him of bad feelings against him aboard ‘this ship’ = Tigh informs him that Adama’s will be done, forget feelings.

The Pegasus fighter pilots are blocking the way, however, and for some reason it’s Apollo’s trying to reason with them, tell them Adama’s the fleet leader, and threatens to pull… a tape recorder? but when he yanks it out, it’s a ray gun. Huh. And the red alert sounds, and everyone runs off.

Adama announces the presence of the largest task force he’s seen since the destruction of Caprica - he gets a ‘you were right’ from Cain and he tells Cain he needs his ‘tactical wizardry.’ Cain exits to head for his battlestar, saucy and willing.

Baltar’s cheeks hardly fit in his helmet, as he grins and flies a cylon ship toward the fleet. And then vipers launch, and Cain heads for home, and all his people cheer madly when they hear him inform Tigh he needs to leave now, don’t let the door hit him on the way out.

Galactica fires at the cylon raiders and the vipers come in to show off the same stock footage we’ve seen in every episode so far. Guns shoot, explosions happen, and once more the landing bay’s on fire. Baltar’s plan seems to consist of burning out the landing bay so the vipers can’t refuel, then flying the vipers around until they’re dead in space. Which the cylons could probably have done before now, but it’s more dramatic at this point, when Cain can sweep in and save the day.

Baltar is all ‘wooo! we’re winning! we’re about to destroy the last battlestar!’ and the centurion deadpans that maybe he should look over here at the other battlestar. Baltar’s slow on the uptake - he thinks the centurion means Galactica. Then he looks, and says ‘that’s impossible’ and the centurion says ‘no, that is a battlestar.’ That’s a great line- for once, I believe the cylon is actually a machine/android. Baltar pulls a great ‘oh shit’ face, and ‘to be continued’ flashes across the screen.

Please insert margarita to continue.