BSG 78: The Young Lords

So far, so bad. In the first five minutes we have a planet conveniently appear just as Starbuck needs to crash. Three ships on the radar meant four ships in actuality - the cylons shot at Starbuck and Boomer and tore up the underside of Starbuck’s viper. “Hey, look, a delta class planet!” I guess they have to call it something but who knows what a delta class is? Probably the same as every other planet they’ve run across — habitable and overrun by humans and cylons in anachronistic settings.

Sure enough, here we are at Castle Cylon. Looks like we’re re-using one of the backlots from some medieval flick. Lucifer is all in white and red stripes - he’s a candy striper! Not a good look for him. A centurion informs him vipers are approaching. He goes inside. Why are cylons using candles? There’s also some sort of assembly line. Centurions don’t make good workers; poor dexterity.

Starbuck climbs out of his downed viper and goes limping through a swamp, trying to evade centurions. They hike into the water after him. I have to hand it to Dirk Benedict, that water doesn’t look pleasant. He struggles into a jungle and falls into some ferns and evergreens. The centurions catch him.

Oh, that wasn’t Lucifer - it was an early model of the same ‘bot. The real Lucifer informs Baltar what’s happened and they get on the horn to Specter, who is now in red and gold stripes - must have dressed up for the occasion.

OH MAN - a guy in a winged helmet riding a unicorn spots the centurions carrying Starbuck. He sounds the alarm with a horn, and shots are fired, and the centurions fall. People in buckskin ride up on unicorns. One of them poses dramatically and welcomes him to Attila.

Let’s pause for a moment to appreciate this. On a planet called Attila, folks in pseudo-viking helmets wearing buckskin and feathers like Native Americans are riding white horses with golden (rubber) horns. I picture the writers standing in front of a list of cultures past and present, throwing darts to select “what kind of hat should they wear? what kind of animal should they ride?”

Adama is in bed - apparently sick. Boomer and Apollo arrive and bother him, which also bothers Cassie. Tigh says the cylons have penetrated more deeply than expected — deeply? That implies going into some region more deeply than moving further away and out, as I would imagine they are doing, as they leave the colonies. I don’t understand their spatial references - I don’t think they do either.

??? !!! these are blond kids. The oldest boy has the most perfectly feathered hair I’ve ever seen. It’s a Princess Di cut. The girl is called Miri. Now they’re wearing feathers. A bunch of little kids run in for food. Starbuck flirts with Miri - or is it Mary? Maybe it’s Mary. Big Boy says they have a mission. Everyone else seems to like the idea of going back with Starbuck.

Boxey comes to see grandpa, sneaking past Cassie, who’s sleeping on the couch. Adama tucks the kid in with him and kid tells him a story of a planet full of daggits. You think the kid’s a little obsessed?

Candy striper cylon is talking to centurions - suddenly there’s an explosion. The unicorn riders blew something up. Big Boy wants to trade Starbuck to the “tin cans” and get their father back. Miri, Warrior Princess, looks upset - she doesn’t want to do it. I think I smell a crush.

Shot of Specter the candy striper that proves he is nothing but a person wearing flowing robes and a flashing pointy head-puppet-thing perched high on his head. “Freakishly tall” is the term. That explains the too-neatly-squared shoulders. The dad of the juvenile unicorn wranglers is in his custody and he’s striking a deal with him to get the warrior. We’ll let you go. You stop the attacks on our base. We’ll get the warrior and we’ll be happy. Sounds hinky to me.

Unicorns with bouncy rubber horns look just as funny at night. Boy with wings on head says to Starbuck, we’re moving camp. A bell rings - Boy blows a horn in answer. Starbuck argues with him - you think I’m taking over, boy? He tries some adult-ish psychology trick on the kid that sounds a lot like “being patronizing” and the Boy doesn’t fall for it, but then lets slip about Dad and Starbuck figures out he’s going up on the altar to get dad back.

Lucifer tells Baltar Specter is stockpiling and doing some other things that are hinky, and at this point I’m laughing along with Baltar - even though I totally disagree with his fashion sense. Suede boots with green velour body suit? Yeek. Specter calls and kisses Baltar’s butt, and Lucifer swears in fake-colonial - felgercarb. These cylons are less cylon than most of the human kind in the remake.

Boy’s plan involves boats. This proves he knows nothing at all - any plan involving boats just asks for something to go wrong. I knew someone who held a wedding in boats, and let’s just say the rental place wasn’t happy with the condition of the tuxedoes. Anyway. Here comes Specter with Dear Old Dad, and shouting across the water ensues. Boy gives the signal, and a centurion holds Dad back. Specter sends out a boat with a dummy in it. See, this is another reason the Eternal Night thing is useful. The kids send Starbuck across, and get the dummy in return. “Starbuck was right.” Well, yes. Aaaaand, the boat gets there, and it’s another dummy! Wearing Starbuck’s jacket. Yay. Starbuck pops up with a nekkid chest - ooooooooo.

Shuttle on the way. Boomer and Apollo are looking for their lost friend. “We’ll get there in two centauris, give or take a centon.” I nearly expected “give or take a narn.” Snicker.

Starbuck’s eyeballing the castle and planning a rescue. Oh, no - secret passages. This is where Starbuck teaches them to sing their plan to get Dad back. I think I’ll just fast forward through that. Don’t think we’ll miss much. skips past long boring sequences of children chanting instructions as they sneak around… at night

Baltar talks to Specter some more. “You actually believe that daggit drivel?” Lucifer says. Oy. Jealous robots.

The kids have blown the fuel dump and centurions are rushing around - as they reach the bridge, a little girl lobs bombs on them. You know, the fleet really needs to get all the kids out on the job. Cylons are really susceptible to stupid plans involving many small children.

Starbuck and Miri/Mary are racing through the castle, shooting cylons, scurrying around, looking for the cell. Starbuck shoots out the lock and they’re off.

Specter lies to Baltar about destroying the last of the humans and their habitats, and orders evacuation. Heh. The kids are reunited with their daddy. Starbuck and Jailbait - er, Miri, grin at each other. Apollo and Boomer arrive - “what hit this place, an army?” - uh huh.

I think characters on this show take turns playing Mary Sue.

Starbuck wants them to go with the fleet, but Dad does what every protective and responsible dad does when faced with a choice between joining the rest of the human race, thus offering his children a choice other than inbreeding, and staying on a planet with a population of Them. He stays. Starbuck gives Miri a good bye kiss. Apollo rolls his eyes. “How does he do it?” What, kiss? No wonder you can’t keep a girl, dude.