BSG 79: The Long Patrol

At least it wasn’t the LOST patrol. I was a little burned out on the lost theme.

At some point, I’m going to write an essay comparing the two BSG’s. Not original, perhaps, but what about me really is? Nothing new under the sun, y’know. Heck, even that’s a cliche.

As I type this, the Trumpets of Pomposity are working on the credits, as the same four ships sail past three or four times…. And the credits roll, and roll, and here we are at last, with the fleet moving out of a cloud of asteriod dust. Everyone’s on the bridge — well, Adama, and Adama Jr., and Adopted Adama the III i.e. Boxey. They’re leaving their star system. What the frell kind of star system has 12 habitable planets in it? I guess it depends on your definition of star system; maybe they mean a system of 12 stars and associated planets?

Apollo sez Starbuck volunteered for a long patrol so he can get on the short list for a visit to the Rising Star, which just opened for business. Athena angsts that she’s unable to make it for dinner with Starbuck cause she has to work; Pa’dama cuts her a break and says he’ll fill in for her. Gee, thanks, Dad! Cut to the luxury liner, where Starbuck’s bribing someone to get a private room so he can make out with Cassiopia. Something tells me Starbuck will have a few difficulties in a short while. Vague memories are coming back to me of juggling two women in two rooms…. Yes, it’s Battlesitcom Galactica: The Teen Years.

All the ladies are dressed so seventies! Ah, the pastels, the off-the-shoulder flowing gowns…. Oh, gah. They’re faux-kissing. Neither actor is really into this. The private room looks like it’s decorated in early 80’s Holiday Inn. Cassie excuses herself, Starbuck lights up a cigar, and oops, here comes Athena! And then Tall Butler Guy brings in the drinks, and Starbuck lays down the square gold-painted chips for another room, hustling Athena on out of there before Cassie returns.

Quick cut to the bridge and back, for a single line about “hope Starbuck is enjoying himsef” - we’re meant to laugh, I guess. Starbuck is feeding square chunks of styrofoam to Athena, who mumbles something about how wonderful they are. He jumps up to run to his other room, claiming he’ll get more, and stops in to smooch on Cassiopia. Then a page over the loudspeaker yells for him to report to Galactica. He dashes in to say goodbye to Athena as well. On his way down the hall he loads up the butler with cubits aka money, and rushes off. They look more like gold-painted triscuits than cubits. Athena and Cassie are wandering down from two directions, each with their souvenir clusters from Starbuck’s jacket, and bump into each other — guess how long it takes Athena to exclaim in fake dismay? Cassie just smiles. Ain’t that just like Starbuck?

He changes into something dark brown and velour, jumps in his viper, and is informed that they lightened the ship by removing the laser generators. So, he’s going on a long patrol without weapons. Whee. He’s also wearing a different helmet. Hmm. He tests the maneuverability of the lighter ship and finds out that a new computer has been installed. Gee, must’ve missed that briefing. You’d think he would get a “getting started” pamphlet (or maybe - gasp - actual training) but, no. Surprise! Her name’s C.O.R.A. I’m having flashbacks to Voyager’s ‘Drive.’ Which was executed with more logic and better writing. CORA’s speaking in slang and sighing in frustration - geeze, the computers in this are so not computer-like.

Hey, there’s two ships - they look vaguely colonial. They’re shooting at each other, too. One goes down on a moon. Starbuck argues with CORA over who gets to land the viper. He just can’t cut a break with women, can he? Convenient that every moon and asteriod has an atmosphere, eh?

He lands, he comes over to the crashed ship, he nearly gets beaned by a faux-Irishman who’s claiming he’s shipping parts to farmers. The dude offers him ambrosia that’s very old and very good to buy his silence. Dude’s afraid of pirates. He thinks Starbuck is a pirate. He manages to distract him and knock him out, and tries to take his viper. Come on, CORA, where are you? Dude turns her on, and tells her where to go - she wants to find Starbuck.

Irishman is sending a code to someone and the Cylons picked it up. Athena’s all worried and confuzzled by this code, and now they have to send a couple more vipers after the long patrol, who has no weapons, blah blah he-might-be-captured. Geeze louise, guys, you could have sent two vipers out the first time and let them keep the weapons! You’d think they would figure out that if Apollo or Starbuck gets two miles from Galactica, they’ll fall out of the sky and end up riding growling horses or being clobbered by space-Irishmen.

Boomer and Apollo take off. Pigtail girl - have I mentioned her? She’s apparently the Dualla-analog in this series, gives permission to launch and so forth - transfers control to the pilots and they fly. Meanwhile Starbuck wakes up, takes off in the Dude’s ship, and gets chased down by another faux-Irish in a uniform. He doesn’t introduce himself as a warrior or anything, tries to reason with them, then tries to tell the truth, then tries to bribe them. Too bad you’re not in uniform, huh?

Quick shot of vipers flying - yeah, okay, they’re still looking for him. Starbuck wakes up in jail. There’s a lot of other people here, all with bottles of something, and they toast to him. They’re in Proteus prison, whatever that means. There’s an adultress here too, with her spawn. They’re talking in terms of ’sin’ and have names that correspond with the sins of their forefathers, which is why they’re here - they’re being punished for stuff their great grandads committed. Huh. They’ve been living here for generations making ambrosia for the colonies. Starbuck thinks this is wonderful since there’s hardly any of it in the fleet.

Cassie comes to the bridge, taps Athena for an explanation of where Starbuck is, and she explains. Cassie lingers as another transmission comes in — she recognizes the code as a merchant code, because her pappa used to have her transmit his merchant… messages. I guess. Good thing Athena was so nice and not at all vindictive toward the woman who was smoochin’ her so-called boyfriend. Or whatever she thinks he is.

Apollo and Boomer follow the signal of the lost viper and find it parked in a back lot in Hollywood that looks like it was last used for a spaghetti western. I expect a cast of gringos and cowpokes to appear, but instead, someone’s shooting lasers at them. They return fire. Faux Irish limps away in a hurry, they give chase. They run, dodge laser fire, run, separate, crouch, creep, kick in doors…. Come on, guys, just follow the smell of whisky. Boomer’s about to shoot when a woman runs out and scream and bumps into him. They call off the fun then - a woman and child are present! no fighting!

The explanation comes in the morning - did I mention it was night? - and we discover they were in prison, and escaped, and Irish was doing his best to provide.

The fleet changes course. There are cylons on the way. Sadly, this means the three vipers won’t know where they are. Boxey shows up on the bridge so we the audience can see the daggit again, and he delivers a heartfelt “i miss my daddy” monologue, and Pa’dama tells him stories about earth, cuddling him on his knee. I don’t remember liking that cuddling thing when I was eight.

Starbuck is informed his new name is Bootlegger 147. He charges at the guard, finds out all the cell doors are open, and boggles that all the folks are staying there. He delivers his dramatic revelation that the colonies had no idea these people were still here, that he’s a colonial warrior, blah blah, and everyone buys into his story immediately and overtakes the guards. Everyone runs outside - wow, the prisoners are so fit for living in tiny cells - and just then Apollo and Boomer arrive to exchange banter and deliver the bullet - Galactica’s out of range and cylons are coming!

The three vipers launch and Starbuck has CORA do the driving. Hmm, there are only three cylons? They were acting like it was a huge fleet. CORA flirts with him. They execute a maneuver that results in Starbuck losing consciousness due to the excessive g’s they pull - CORA coos until he wakes up again. The cylon following them crashed into the prison. Boom goes the ambrosia. Starbuck’s disappointed.

Flip to the Rising Star, where everyone including the faux Irish and his family are dining around a table set with plates of food cubes in pastel colors. Boxey gives his father a drawing he did of a solar system and Starbuck sez it’s wrong, that this blue planet goes over here, and this launches questions of how he knew that. He remembers it from drawings in the cell he was in back on Proteus. Irish sez that was the cell inhabited by some old prisoner who did nothing but draw pictures all the time, who was some sort of wise dude. Isn’t that convenient how he knew this, seeing as how he didn’t know what cell Starbuck was in? Pa’dama pontificates that this is the solar system where earth is.

Trumpets of Grandiosity! End credits!

I’m doubting at this point that the writers of this show really meant to be so pedantic and stilted. But. Forcing the characters to do and say odd and illogical things to accomplish contorted plot turns will inevitably end up with this sort of acting. It’s as though, once the plot was in place, they were trying to shoehorn in all kinds of after-the-fact rationalizations to make it all hang together, rather than rewriting.

Onward.