BSG ‘78: Lost Warrior

They certainly lose a lot in this series.

Lance LeGault is in this one. Wooo. Apollo is running from Cylons in his viper - what’s he doing out there alone? Oh - Adama tells the eager pilots who want to help him that it’s a plot to surprise the Cylons who are pursuing him. Sure enough, the minute the Cylons transmit something about him, he brakes and shoots but doesn’t get all of them. Then he’s out of fuel and has to - yes, indeed - he has to crash. Which he does. On a handy planet where people are living in the old West, if the West were able to use tinfoil as clothing.

Shot of a kid grooming a palomino pony, scolding it for growling and alerting a thieving something or other that was after their flock — I remember this now, it’s the planet of growling horses. The viper flies in low and the kid hopes on another pony and heads out, even though his mom shouts for him to stop.

Kid introduces Apollo to the way of his world, where his dad’s dead, his uncle comes around to help out on the place, and he’s never seen a ship before. Mom appears and insists they hide the viper.

Boxey races up on the bridge looking for someone to talk to. The folks tell him lies about Apollo and Starbuck and Boomer take the kid to the “bachelor officer’s quarters” - I’d figure Grandpa Adama would be a better choice, but that’s me.

Back at the homestead, Ma is rustling some grub. Meager rations. She’s got a half linen, half leather outfit on, including a leather skirt over white pants. She’s also really uptight. Evidently, her husband was killed and Apollo dampens her ire by telling her his wife was killed. They’re interrupted by a rider approaching - it’s a cylon on horseback. His chest plate is dented as if he’s been shot by bullets. He wants to know if anyone heard anything. Uncle shows up in a tinfoil cowboy hat. Kid says it’s Uncle Booties. giggle Cylon goes away, reminding them they’re behind on tribute. Somehow, I don’t think the Cylons in these parts are quite what anyone expected.

Ma explains to Apollo, after some really iffy acting/expositioning on the part of kid and uncle, that kid’s dad was a warrior dueling with Red-Eye aka Cylon Mounted Police, and she doesn’t want kid to become a warrior. So she hasn’t told him about it. “Red-Eye only kills those who try to kill him.” Uncle wants Apollo to kill the Cylon - Apollo doesn’t want to because where there’s one, there’s more, and he doesn’t want to incite the Cylons to kill everyone.

Back in the barracks, Boxey is playing pyramid with the guys - for jelly beans. Good grief. Kid wins. Wooo. Cassiopia rushes in and scolds ‘em one and all for teaching him to play cards, smoke, and drink. Aw, Boxey has to go now.

The next scene switch takes us to what we are apparently supposed to believe is a honky-tonk bar, complete with a piano and player, sci fi version, which is a funky board with lights on it and noises like someone’s whacking on an electronic harpsichord. It’s the same tune you’ll hear in every spaghetti western ever. The only one here not wearing a tinfoil cowboy hat is a boss hogg wannabe in a white suit and matching ten gallon. When Apollo saunters in and orders… didn’t catch that, Boss snaps his fingers and a guy comes over and knocks his drink out of his hand. Apollo’s in borrowed clothes so he doesn’t stand out. The guy crowds him repeatedly, so he goes over and sits with the Cylon, in the corner. And starts a conversation. The Cylon “senses” he wants to destroy him — did they assimilate a few telepaths or something? The Cylon stands and gets mouthy at Apollo; Boss tells Red Eye to SIT and he does. A chick in frilly hookerwear tells Apollo “Lacerda wants to see you.” Boss is all of five feet away - why doesn’t he just say so? Oh yeah, he’s the Boss.

“You have courage, a foolish trait.” Yeah, Boss. That’s our Apollo. Apollo says he wants to work for him. Uh huh. He leaves, rides back to the homestead on a horse painted with pseudo zebra stripes. Ma Kettle tells him the kid is out chasing lupus, which so far I’d heard as loopas until I saw them — they mean wolves. Kid’s trying to shoot a wolf and misses. He reloads and hits it just in time. Apollo shows up for a chat about being a man even when Ma thinks you’re still a kid… hmm, the boy appears to be all of ten.

Galactica, commander’s office. The Cylons aren’t pursuing. Apollo’s tactic worked, Tigh says, and everyone wants to go looking for him. Adama pontificates and froths at the mouth about not wanting to risk the fleet. Tigh flails his hands and froths back at him until he allows a patrol to launch.

Apollo talks the kid to sleep, then talks to Ma Kettle about finding the Cylon outpost to get fuel. Her cousin Jason rides up and lets them know Red Eye took half Uncle Booties’ herd of ovines. Back at the bar the Bootster rages and rants and chews scenery in the Boss’ general direction. Boss gives the signal to Red Eye, who rises from the chair and hovers his big metal hand over his gun. Draws and shoots Booty just as Apollo and friends arrive. The kid shoots at the Cylon but Apollo yanks the gun away and breaks it. Kid shrieks at Apollo and runs out. Apollo knows the Cylon won’t shoot an unarmed someone. How? I don’t know. It’s not your typical Cylon. Maybe Apollo’s telepathic too? Plus, it threatened him when he just talked to it, so I’m thinking there’s a flaw in his reasoning somewhere. Not that the writers care. The Cylon sits down.

Starbuck and Boomer are flying long and hard, seeking their lost friend, brainstorming ways to stay out longer and still have fuel to get home.

Apollo apologizes to Ma, standing outside the bar. She says he did the right thing even if no one else understands and kisses him on the cheek. He stalks off, and a bar girl calls him over to a corner. She warns him Lacerda and Marcos are plotting against him. She tells him how Red Eye came to be there; there was a crashed ship and they found one centurion still working. She knows a lot of details, handily. Enough that Apollo knows he can now shoot with impunity so he goes to his horse and straps on his laser pistol. Marcos calls him out while he’s doing so. What timing.

Boss Lacerda calls out Red Eye, and there’s a shootout! Everyone hides behind stuff. Apollo is faster than the Cylon, surprise surprise, and it falls flat then dies in a fountain of sparks. Everyone gathers round, except the bad guys, who escape out the back alley.

Back at the homestead, cute little blond kid is all ‘zap, zap, pow!’ and crowing about how he’s gonna be a hero just like Apollo. Apollo gives him a stern talking down and accidentally calls kid ‘Boxey’ which is enough to remind Ma he needs to go home and not stick around being her new baby daddy. She tells him she knows where her husband’s ship crashed and maybe there’s fuel….

The patrol finds him. Boomer lets out one of the fake yee-hah yells they do from time to time when things are going swell. Apollo is on his way home, leaving babe o’ the week to comfort her kid that he’d be back someday…. Obvious she doesn’t know about the Bonanza effect. (cf: old western tv show “Bonanza,” featuring a man and his three adult sons, who often had a lady love last an entire hour-long show then kick off in the last five minutes, usually shot, leaving her Cartwright boy free for some romance later in the series.) Otherwise she wouldn’t want him to come back.

You know, I think I’ll go clean my palate with some BSG 2003 now.