Though I was in a bit of a panic, it seems I have managed through a phone campaign to make 13 appointments next week. I may also have chided a couple of people into showing up for group. Well, not chided. Persuaded, hinted strongly, whatever. Because social anxiety doesn’t go away overnight, and I tend to agree with the cognitive behaviorists that it may be conquered only by practice.
The funny part of all of this is, I used to be totally anxious about social contact, in the way of the geeky. When I was a kid, I was a geek - even though there was no such thing then, and also no home computers, and also no gaming in my rural hamlet pop. 25,000 people spread out across the miles of rolling hills. I fit the profile. I was the kid who checked out 200 books in one summer, mostly those with horses, dogs, awkward kids trying to figure out life, fairies, wizards, rockets, and sandworms. I was also known to pilfer from the adult sections, and since Mom assumed I was sticking to kids’ books and I was a good girl that I wouldn’t be reading SMUT, she never checked.
So it was just me and books. Tom Sawyer, all of Blume’s girls, Taran, Alec Ramsey, Laura Ingalls, any adolescent isolated from the world ala Island of the Blue Dolphins, and also lots of women who found themselves wandering around in gloomy mansions with mysterious male owners who Brooded and Seemed Evil But Really Weren’t, kept me company. Also dragons and other animals of all kinds. Oh, and Alice - though I never did figure out how to Go Ask her. And C.S. Lewis’ animals, the Pevensies, and those pesky hobbitses. Sounds a little crowded but we all fit neatly in my room.
The problem is, you have to share a world with someone to get along with them, and hardly anyone in my class read books the way I did, and no one understood my cute quips alluding to anyone in books, so, geek. Which helps me understand completely how some of my clients end up with no friends, isolated from or in conflict with their remaining family members, and left only with a therapist to talk to — is it any wonder people end up hearing voices, and that the voices are all critical of them?
Most people I talk to have a notion of reality that consists of me=bad, everyone else=better, and sometimes they develop this based on feedback they get from everyone around them. The problem is, if that’s mostly negative, which it often is because the dominant notion of mental illness remains harshly judgmental — people remind me of flocks of birds that pick on a wounded member until he falls; shaming a depressed person by ignoring their obvious misery or by telling them to ‘cheer up’ or ’stop crying’ or other instruction, thus invalidating their feelings, is very common and leads to the person not only feeling more depressed but very alone into the bargain. Moms are great at attempting to be supportive but only making it worse — “you just need to get out more, honey” doesn’t work if you make that your only response. The thought in the mind of Child is, “You just don’t understand.” They’re both right, and they’re both just as stuck, and eventually when Child can’t “get my act together” Mom sometimes forces the issue by… throwing them out of the house, inviting cousins over, setting up Child with a nice young man/woman they happen to know….
When I went through my depressed phases, I knew that I was different. Why couldn’t I bounce back? Why couldn’t I feel normal? And these questions come up in therapy, and I answer “you can, just not right away.” Part of my job is hanging in there with the person so they don’t feel so alone. At some point I can say, this is what you need. Connection with others. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, a lot of people are harsh and reject others who aren’t “like them.” Yes, it’s tempting to act like everything’s fine, ‘fake it til you make it’ — and sometimes faking it is required, as a workplace will demand a smiling employee particularly one who deals with customers. Plus, with friends, you have to make a real effort to be there for them, just as you expect them to be there for you — you can’t just lie there sucking their energy. Even though you don’t have much of your own, you have to get up and slog off to the movies or set up a birthday bash once in a while. But there has to be a time and a place you can be real with another person(s) and if you have no one things will continue as they have been. Relationships enable change. And while hiding under a blanket is tempting, you will only sink deeper into loneliness.
Can’t resort to the introvert defense, either. I’m one. Somehow, by chatting with people in and out of class, and at work, I’ve developed friends. Introverts don’t dislike being around people; they simply need time on their own once in a while. I write and read during mine. It’s how I recover from a day of therapy. And really, therapy is getting easier the more I do it, because asking difficult questions and confronting the inconsistencies in other people’s lives — making them more responsible for their feelings — is something that comes out of you while you are working on your own issues. (On your own time, of course.) I learn things every day about myself because I am talking to so many people.
If there is a point to my ruminations, it’s that loneliness is epidemic, and those who rely on external validations and never develop the ability to cope are most vulnerable. American culture is a horrible place to live these days. We are all going a hundred miles an hour to support our families or just ourselves, and we can’t seem to recognize that society is fragmenting around us. I’m not just talking about “the crisis of the American family” or broken homes, I’m talking about whole families with no divorce that are falling to pieces internally, that externally everyone appears to hang together but emotionally everyone’s forced to be two people and maintain the pretty picture. I’ve seen divorced couples working together to the good of the kids who have more sane relationships than the parents sticking together for the kids.
Maintaining a marriage is not as important as developing an emotionally healthy environment. We’re failing all the way around. I just talked to a 20something who got hooked on meth and smoked/injected with her family members. Beautiful person, shattered life, no clue what the future holds, because she doesn’t know anyone who isn’t emotionally broken, therefore has no idea of what to do to escape the drug culture. There’s hardly any help for her, except this is California, and we have programs to assist women in getting back on track with education and temporary financial support. But unless she has people to give her the emotional support, I can predict the end result. She isn’t alone in this. I see this all the time.
This is why I’ve slid further and further from the Republican party I used to be in — I cannot stand the continued stance of “marriage first, save the babies, but give nothing to the lower classes and let them continue to suffer with no insurance, no help with the zillion kids they have because they aren’t educated about options, and let’s pressure people of all demographics to adhere to our standard of normal with no respect for their internal realities.” Because it’s not realistic, it’s not healthy, and it’s really no wonder that the one person I know who is most seated in denial, dishonesty, and selfishness is also the most outspoken conservative Republican I’ve ever met. You can’t help people who cling to illusions of superiority while spinning out stories of the most morally bankrupt behavior.
I’m not liberal, either. I want balance. Balanced books, balanced minds — yes, I’m an idealist. But then, I wouldn’t be a therapist if I weren’t radically optimistic. I’m also pragmatic; you will never, ever be able to force people to conform completely to your idea of normal. Somehow that internal reality will come out, either as mental or physical illness. People tend to gravitate toward groups they feel normal in. So I don’t believe legislating morality is right, and I don’t believe that we will be able to continue on our current political course without backlash and serious consequences for society and human rights.
I’m afraid, for my clients of all backgrounds and for myself, who doesn’t conform to the “normal” that’s fermenting. I’m afraid for my country. It seems the schisms between various groupings are growing wider, people are polarizing, and if I were seeing this behavior in a family I’d be quite pointed about confronting it and identifying specific issues being ignored. This country needs therapy — not everyone’s idea of ‘touchy feely’ therapy, or TV therapy, or any other stereotype, but family therapy where someone calls the members on their shitty behavior and gets them to think about what they’re doing to their sisters and brothers. Robert McNamara talks about empathizing with one’s enemies. I fear we can’t even do that with our own fellow citizens — no wonder we’re so fragmented as a society.
