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Much clipping and snipping, followed by four hours of rendering various bits of video, followed by... "[application] terminated unexpectedly. Reopen?" NAYYYYAAAAAAAAAAHHHHARRRRRRRGH. So the vid I was working on will be delayed until next weekend. I am somewhat proud of myself for clearing out that last pile of old papers and rearranging the office somewhat. Housecleaning can be so cathartic.

I suppose it's probably the least viewed video on youtube right now. It's the only one I've finished, but not the first one I've done, and I've no idea how good it is. Beast in Me

Cue the muppet show announcer: Fiiiiiiiiiire iiiiiiiin Spaaaaaaace! This episode is about exactly what you think it is. I remember this episode. The dagget scuffles through miles of air ducts to do something, and things blow up, and things burn. People nearly die. Whoa! WHOA! I don't remember the Rejuvenation Center! Which is totally decorated in 70's colors, and has an air hockey table. We're treated to Boxey, Muffit and Athena doing Cutesy Dialogue with Boomer for all of a minute before we cut to launch-the-vipers stock footage. Cylons are approaching. A red alert tinges the whole interior of everything red, and more vipers launch. And more. You never knew there were this many. What's Boomer still in the Rej Room for? Did his viper go without him? The doors shut tight and Athena as-you-know-bobs to let us know that 'just in case the Galactica gets hit, they shut everyone in whatever room so they all die in flames.' Well - she actually burbled something about saving oxygen and hull breaches and so forth. But we know the truth. Vipers are firing and things are a'sploding, and Tigh says something's wrong -- too many fighters coming, and they're not fighting back. Adama has them close the blast shields that shutter off the bridge. And then we see a fighter turning and approaching, and a centurion intones 'aim for the bridge' -- BOOM. Fire. Sparks. Space Acting! People fling themselves on the deck plates. Apollo yells over the comm line, but Adama's face down and out of service. So are about umpty million panels, windows, and other really breakable things. Another cylon fighter hits a landing bay. The Galactica's hit bad, and things are aflame, and there's smoke everywhere. The Rejuvenation Center is surrounded by fire in the corridors. Adama, flat on his face under some rubble, murmurs some advice and goes under, and the doc arrives to tote him away to become an Object of Suspense(tm). The vipers fly around keeping an eye on things, as the Galactica's scanners are destroyed. The white male version of Dualla tells Tigh that Boomer, Athena and Boxey are among those in the Rejuvy Center, which has been cut off - how does he know who's in there? The scanners are down. Is there a sign in sheet somewhere they pulled to check? Did they search the whole ship and guess? Is the Dualla substitute psychic? Sounds like time for a fanfix. Boomer is taking apart a door. Those viper pilots are multi-talented all right. Smoke is pouring through a vent - won't someone please save them? Oh my! Aha! Wounded guy in sickbay says he saw Athena and Boxey go in there before the attack. All is explained. Lorne Greene acts like he's nearly comatose, but talks like he's just sleepy. Doc talks to Apollo about heart surgery and why PapaDama needs it, and why he's not getting it -- problems with the energy or something. Folks in tinfoil suits shoot foam into the flames somewhere... looks like a great big basement full of pipes. Apollo wants to know how long Athena and Co. realistically have to survive. Tigh, looking like he rolled around in the flour, says 'not much.' Well, it was vaguer than that. Boomer shorts out the door mechanism and gets it open, as what looks like dry ice vapor comes under the other door. Everyone runs through, Boomer leaps dramatically after as the other door dramatically blows up -- do they make doors out of explosives? how is that safe? Probably made by the same company that makes all those Hollywood cars you see blowing up in movies when someone shoots a bullet into them. Apollo and Tigh point at a really lame little schematic of the Galactica, talk randomly about circles and squares they label 'converter' this and 'generator' that, and Apollo thinks the daggit could make it through the air vents. Then we're off on another tangent where it's decided to load up some vipers with bor-ton, so they can shoot it into the landing bay. Whoa. The Dualla wannabe has some serious rug burns on his face that weren't there last time I saw him. He announces the launch of the bor-ton flight. I tell you, someone's psychic. They're sending the daggit into the vent with a note. What good will it do? Everyone knows they're in there. What's the daggit gonna do, come back with a very very very long hose? Oh, now, that's funny. The vipers shooting bor-o-ton are just about the best phallic symbols you can imagine. Guess what the stuff looks like? The night the lights went out in sickbay.... Doc is listening to Adama's heart when they do, and he sputters he has to operate now, or he'll die. Meanwhile, people in foil suits with a coat of cellophane for good measure are spraying bor-o-ton on a door marked "energizer #2" -- yes, save the bunny! Tigh comes to listen to Adama croak a solution to the fire - smother it with the vacuum of space. You know, it's something -- all these able bodied people wandering around pulling their hair out over a problem they can't solve, and the near-comatose commander has all the answers. And when did Tigh change his uniform? Apollo and Starbuck crawl out an airlock to set charges on the hull to bring in that vacuum of space to smother the fire. They're floating around without tether lines -- no magnetic boots either, and no rocket packs. Well, guess they'll come out of that okay. Tigh, at Apollo's behest, puts a tray of mushies in front of the vent. The daggit, mechanical as it's supposed to be, will sniff them out like Boxey taught it to do. Because robotic dogs can do that, you know, and they would. I'm still wondering about the odd bit of sympatico that led two separate groups to the same conclusion, that a daggit should be sent through the vents. Adama's being operated on -- from the filmy covering over his head they're also coloring his hair, or perhaps giving him a perm. The lights flicker ominously. Down in the hazy room of despair, everyone's coughing. Tigh ties (hee) a bag of oxygen masks to the daggit and sends him back. When the hull blows, little plastic masks that cover the nose and mouth with no source of oxygen attached to them will save the trapped people. Predictably, Apollo saves Starbuck from drifting away into space. For want of a tether, the sex symbol was (almost) lost. I can't really tell what they're hanging onto out there, but the suits are long johns and the helmets can't possibly be air tight. Umpty million shots cut back and forth -- it's Apollo, crawling slowly across the hull -- no, it's a daggit crawling -- Apollo -- daggit -- yay, everyone gets oxygen, and Muffy gets a pat on the head. And Apollo's still crawling around on the hull. He sets the last charge, leaps through space, and it looks like he's not going to make it. So Starbuck jumps after him. Well, that makes sense. The charges go off, the fire goes out, and Apollo and Starbuck are doing that thing Crichton and D'Argo did -- drift through space, holding hands. Sheba finds them floating there and a shuttle goes out. Cut to sickbay, where Adama's recuperating while wrapped in bubble wrap. Well, maybe it's just sparkly stuff, but it could be bubble wrap. Apollo's not afraid to cry as he thanks Boomer for saving his family. Muffy is wheeled in on a gurney; he ran back to save a firefighter and got a bit charred. So all's well that ends well. Except, why would cylons go to such great lengths to cause all that and never take advantage of it? Makes no tactical sense, does it? Those crazy toasters!

Credits! Trumpets of Pomposity! Flashbacks! Last night, I had a sour apple margarita, and now we're ready for part two of the original Pegasus episodes. "You're finished, Adama!" Baltar has yellow teeth. He cackles maniacally, and rather convincingly. The cylons retreat! Adama asks Cain to land the fighters on the Pegasus, since the landing bays on Galactica are in flames. At the meeting, on Galactica (sure fixed the landing bays fast, didn't we?) Cain insists on his original plan - attack the base on Gamoray. Everyone argues fine points of strategy - Apollo, Tigh, Adama. Back in his office, with just the two commanders, Adama worries that the tanker incident will happen again - he doesn't want any more surprises from Cain. His wooly eyebrows jut out in a particularly concerned way. But, there's no other choice but to go with Cain's plan. Cassie finds Cain in the corridor and she emotes at him, wants to go with him, but he won't let her. I guess that's the last of the relationship conflict. We won't see Cain again, from the way this is headed. Sheba and one other Pegasus pilot are assigned by Cain to the ground crew. Apparently I'm the only one who can see what Cain is doing? Starbuck makes a pass at Sheba that goes nowhere - one of his better attempts, actually. They're packing up to go. Why a ground crew? I have no idea. Apparently it takes a ground crew to do whatever it is they're doing. Cassie finds them and proves that I'm not the only one who sees what Cain is doing - she insists he doesn't intend to come back from this. She also decides she's going to go with the ground crew as their med tech. Sheba insists she's right and Cain isn't coming back, but Apollo overrides her and insists we're going to follow orders. A shuttle takes the group down, and they parachute into the capital city of Gamoray, firing as they come down. They run around in the dark firing at centurions. Starbuck says they're taking out anti-assault batteries - oh, that's why they did this! Guess I missed that. A cylon is giving a speech about furthering the perfection of the cylon race. The bombs our team set are going off, and the cylons start scrambling. Starbuck in his black leather/pleather/vinyl stealth suit climbs up into the control room with Boomer and shoots a bunch and pitches a bomb, and they bug out. Apollo and Sheba, delayed by a dramatic moment with a wounded Bojay, arrive just as the control room blows up. Oh. Cylons are lurching out into the street just in time to be blown up by vipers. Civilian cylons apparently wear face masks like kabuki performers and satin robes with hoods. They appear to wear uncomfortable shoes, judging from the way they walk before being shot. Baltar and his Rubber Jowls want to attack the fleet. Lucifer informs him that Imperious Leader is on Gamoray, and that IL no doubt will think ill of him for letting the fleet Baltar was sent to destroy have their way with Gamoray. The fuel depot is secured and the tankers are sent in. The ground force takes off in the shuttle - who's going to protect the tankers? They land on Pegasus because Cassie insists Bojay is hurt badly and needs attention asap. Starbuck and Cassie exchange words - she still can't make up her mind. Apollo argues with Cain - again, Cain's changed up and is going after the four - three? - base stars and Baltar. He reminds Cain that Sheba will be going into battle too. So he goes looking for her, and Sheba is in sickbay where apparently Cassie is the only person there other than Bojay, and where is the Pegasus doctor? Sheba walks away from Cain, and he looks at Cassie and goes after Sheba. Sobby scene, goodbye dear dada, yadda yadda. Everyone takes off in their vipers. They clear a corridor through the fighters and go right through, with Pegasus right behind. Baltar misinterprets and decides on a strategy based on what he thinks they're doing, not what they're actually doing. He thinks Pegasus is a decoy. Pegasus is on fire, under attack, and darn if it doesn't look like exactly the same footage as when the Galactica was on fire. Baltar orders the cylons away to Gamoray to protect the Imperious Leader, unintentionally giving the Pegasus a break to recover. Sheba comes back wounded. At this point, it's hard to keep track of who's where, and why, but it's looking like Apollo is taking the wounded back to the fleet because he knows what Cain is planning. Adama contacts Cain, as all men in his family are apparently mindreaders, and orders Cain to come back -- Cain tells him the wounded and nonessential personnel are on the way and he's gonna do what he'll do and you can't stop me Adama, neener neener. Baltar's fuming over 'what is he doing WHAT WHAT' and Lucifer is miles ahead of him -- it's Cain. And Baltar realizes it's not gonna be fun, and demands all fighters come back. So much for protecting Imperious Leader. Cain is psychic and knows the cylon fighters are on the way back, and so tells Starbuck he's not sticking around - he's going back and Cain's going forward, and that's that. Sheba, going by on a gurney on the way to a shuttle, begs her daddy to let her stay in a manner more like a four year old than a twentysomething fighter pilot. With the shuttles and extraneous personnel gone, Cain waves around his pokey stick and struts around his bridge, and orders the 'electronic defense shields' to maximum power. Plug in fresh D cells, guys, we've got to deflect lasers! Oh look, there goes Apollo and Starbuck disobeying orders. Surprise, Surprise. Let's watch them each take on a base star. And win. What good fortune, to be cast regulars and therefore invulnerable. Pegasus launches missles, which look like nukes rising from silos until you see the base stars, when the missles seem to morph into huge orange energy beams. Am very confused now. Guess I know how the special effects folks must have felt. Adama, Apollo and Starbuck visit Sheba in sickbay and welcome her to the family, since Cain's vanished into the depths of space. Or something. Did Cain survive to chew more scenery and whack people with his silver-tipped pokey stick? Guess we'll never know.

I've recovered enough from the last round to pick up where I left off with... BSG Old Skool Reviews! Good grief. You'd think I would learn. We have Lloyd Bridges starring as Commander Cain in this round. John Colicos and his rubbery Phlox-like jowls are of course starring as Baltar. Go, vipers! Go Apollo! Go Starbuck! uh oh. Someone's snuck up behind our friends and started shooting. You know, it looks like another viper. Two. Confusion all the way around. Finally someone recognizes someone else and they fly off to land on the Pegasus. Apollo won't shut up as ordered. He's busy exclaiming over the wow-ness of it all. Back at the fleet, they're out of gas. Okay, Tylium, but yeah. And they're picking up... civilian cylon transmissions? What's the difference between a cylon civilian and a cylon centurion? Maybe civilian cylons have interchangable face plates? LED jackets? Bluetooth connectivity and optional MP3 player features? Starbuck and Apollo walk into a dramatically dark room and meet Cain, who's about as arrogant as any narcissistic CEO you'll find. He tells them they're going on the offensive against the cylons. Apollo's a little agog. So am I. Galactica picks up Pegasus and can't figure it out. Until the signal comes in and Cain is calling Adama an old war daggit. ???? He's not quite furry enough, but all righty then. A shuttle brings him right on over and much swaggering and hugging and cheering ensue. Adama's having a bit of shock and awe. After the cheering dies down and Adama and Cain talk privately we find that Cain wants to take on a cylon base called Gamoray (an evil part of my brain is now singing, "when a guy hits Colonel Tigh with a big pizza pie that's Gamor-aaaayyy"). Scene change - Cain asks Starbuck and Apollo to help him locate the love of his life. He plays a 3D image of Cassie saying, "help me obi-w -- " No, bad fan! She's saying "come back real soon, you old war daggit." And then he asks if they've met his daughter Sheba, and plays a bit of Sheba wishing her dad a happy birthday. WHYYYYY? There is no point, other than Cain forcing family vids on them. They've met her. She nearly shot them down. Starbuck goes to talk to Cassie, and thinks she's going to have to let the old guy down easy, but when he finally spits out the message, she whirls and races out. How she finds Cain I'm not sure - maybe there's a neon sign outside his door? They snuggle and huggle and cuddle and confess great angst and missing you and she's all glowy. And she tells him Starbuck is in love with her, and she needs time to think. She didn't say 'I'm in love with Starbuck.' Hmmmmmm. So, Starbuck's the substitute, perhaps not as dear to her as the Big Man Cain? Starbuck, meanwhile, is talking to Apollo about it. He's all nervous about the situation, but denies any intent to marry or whatever, and also says she wouldn't marry Cain, and who cares? Not Starbuck. Uh huh. Boxey perks up when Starbuck leaves - "poor starbuck, well, at least he's still got Athena. And Miriam, and -- " Apollo's a bit aghast that a kid who's all of eight could possibly have noticed all the chicks Starbuck hangs out with. Like, you couldn't miss it - even a blind man walking around without a guide daggit would bump into one or three of them wimmen. Srsly. Sheba's bragging about all the bases they've knocked out. Apollo's all insistent that their upfront tactics won't work for the fleet cause they have lots of civilians to protect. Sheba's as argumentative and arrogant as her daddy. Who arrives just a few minutes later with Cassie, and Sheba gets upset and runs out. Aw, grown daughter doesn't like dad hanging out with a hooker. Okay, former hooker. But given the timeline it's pretty sure she was one when they first hooked up, unless the canon's been rearranged and she was supposedly a nurse back then instead. The commanders try to agree on a plan of action - Cain wants to do it with just his warriors, Adama wants to merge squadrons. Tigh and Adama are all gaga about this guy. Apollo tries to console his Pa by saying everyone admires him and respects him just the same and Adama sort of does the accept-it-and-brush-off thing before seeing him off. Sheba argues with her daddy as he's sitting in a viper - don't go, too risky, no, it won't be -- geeze, this sounds a little like Star Trek where the first officer and the captain argue over the mission and whether it's safe for the captain. Cain wins. Apollo and Boomer are among the vipers flying toward the base, and suddenly Cain is changing plans right and left, claiming he can 'feel' the enemy and knows what's really happening, and Apollo's not happy - but what can you do? They fly into some sort of cloud. Apollo finds the tanker they're after, then another, then cylons come in fighting. Cain's all swooping around shooting cylons. He sends blue squadron (the Galactica contingent) after some fighters veering away, and Cain destroys the tankers while they're gone. Sheba helps him. He denies knowledge of where the tankers went. Back with Adama, he blames the situation on mixing the two squadrons together. Now he's saying they need to go after the base, since the tanker thing didn't work out. Adama orders him off - he wants to work on a battle plan right away, but Adama holds firm, and won't let Apollo complain after the meeting either. Adama just stands there and stares him down until he leaves. He finds Sheba and she says the tankers were caught in crossfire and it was accidental. He doesn't believe it. Sometimes, Apollo can be smart! Cain insists his plan will work. Adama wants to split the Pegasus' fuel among the fleet and make it somewhere they can get more fuel without tangling with the enemy. Argue, bitch, moan - but in this version Adama is also the President. Cain then insists upon carrying out the mission anyway. Adama confronts him on the tankers. He doesn't deny it but froths that they must take Gamoray! (evil brain! stop singing!) Adama repeats orders and furthermore puts Tigh in command of the Pegasus. Oooooo. Lookit them balls! That'll teach Cain to tap Adama on the chest with his silver-tipped pokey stick. Cain goes drinking. Sheba arrives and tells him she and the men will follow him wherever he goes. He says he knows what they mean, but no mutiny - he won't pull out and leave civilians defenseless. Hmm, changing your tune much? Baltar and his Rubber Cheeks strut and brag about how complete their victory will be to Lucifer the Christmas Tree Light Cylon in Red Lame. He says 'Gamoray' about fifty times, and my brain won't quit singing.... Ugh. Oh, saved by the centurion who interrupts them. Baltar decides in a moment of supreme hubris that he will lead the strike force to destroy the fleet. He grins, turns around, and takes out a wall with his cheeks. Well, not really - but it could happen. A shuttle docks on the Pegasus and Tigh is in charge. Lt. WoodenMan informs him of bad feelings against him aboard 'this ship' = Tigh informs him that Adama's will be done, forget feelings. The Pegasus fighter pilots are blocking the way, however, and for some reason it's Apollo's trying to reason with them, tell them Adama's the fleet leader, and threatens to pull... a tape recorder? but when he yanks it out, it's a ray gun. Huh. And the red alert sounds, and everyone runs off. Adama announces the presence of the largest task force he's seen since the destruction of Caprica - he gets a 'you were right' from Cain and he tells Cain he needs his 'tactical wizardry.' Cain exits to head for his battlestar, saucy and willing. Baltar's cheeks hardly fit in his helmet, as he grins and flies a cylon ship toward the fleet. And then vipers launch, and Cain heads for home, and all his people cheer madly when they hear him inform Tigh he needs to leave now, don't let the door hit him on the way out. Galactica fires at the cylon raiders and the vipers come in to show off the same stock footage we've seen in every episode so far. Guns shoot, explosions happen, and once more the landing bay's on fire. Baltar's plan seems to consist of burning out the landing bay so the vipers can't refuel, then flying the vipers around until they're dead in space. Which the cylons could probably have done before now, but it's more dramatic at this point, when Cain can sweep in and save the day. Baltar is all 'wooo! we're winning! we're about to destroy the last battlestar!' and the centurion deadpans that maybe he should look over here at the other battlestar. Baltar's slow on the uptake - he thinks the centurion means Galactica. Then he looks, and says 'that's impossible' and the centurion says 'no, that is a battlestar.' That's a great line- for once, I believe the cylon is actually a machine/android. Baltar pulls a great 'oh shit' face, and 'to be continued' flashes across the screen. Please insert margarita to continue.

Rocky, for some reason your comment showed up on a post I don't think you intended to comment on - don't understand why. Must be some sort of MySQL glitch. So I'm acknowledging it here. Thank you for your compliment on the essay, and for the LJ rec. I'll check that community out. :) As for the next episode.... Looks daft. The clips before the credits, that is. Daft. Someone's capturing people with nets. Hmmm. I almost remember this one. We open with a fight. More stock footage, more explosions that should only happen within atmosphere. In the cut scenes showing pilots in cockpits, the stars are dense; in scenes showing Galactica they're normal looking scattered stars. They even throw in footage of the fleet I haven't seen before. Cylons get to the fleet, and the vipers mop up. The agriculture ship, the one with all the domes, takes a beating. Tigh says two agro ships were destroyed - ships? OH, they mean the bubbles on that big ship with the terrariums. Yeah, that I saw. Flash to Tigh talking to a jowly guy about needing seed and crops being destroyed because the airlock was damaged and air was -- wait a minute, how is it they're walking around among the damaged crops? a) no air b) there wouldn't be any crops, dirt, or anything else if the damage I saw being done actually happened. Ah, it's only tv. Right? Adama knows where to get seed - an agricultural colony. But he wants to trade with something that won't link them with the colonial fleet, lest the cylons get wind that they were there. There's a generator without military markings. It belongs to Siress Bellaby, who will only deal with Adama. Cue a shuttle ride to the Gemini freighter, which is none other than the ship used in new BSG to sneak in a viper squadron to destroy the base on the asteriod. It looks like a conglomeration of railroad freight cars. Now we're inside walking down a corridor, Tigh and Apollo and Adama. Adama has a big bunch of flowers and looks like he's going to his own funeral. There's an awkward dithering scene where he tries to leave and Apollo pushes him into where Bellaby is calling out to him, sounding just like any maneating tv lady looking for a good time. Okay. Here she is, the budget Lwaxana Troi. Although she precedes TNG by lots of years.... She's Lwaxana all over. "What do you want in return for the energizer?" "Oh, Adaaaaama, after all these years, you should know - I want ... you." This hurts to watch, I'm telling you. Adama just ordered Apollo to prepare the shuttle with provisions for five - they're taking the old bat along. She refused to cooperate otherwise. Adama is whoring himself out for seeds to grow food for the fleet. And he's not happy about it. I liked Picard's methods of dealing with this sort of thing better; Adama's totally losing his cool on Apollo, and it's not Apollo's fault. They could do something else -- like laser off/paint over the fleet markings on one of the other generators? This would only be necessary if this were the only spare whatsit in the whole fleet. Come on, guys, at least make a bit of sense. Boxey wants to go. Apollo decides if Bellaby's going, the kid's going. Pigtail girl is on vacation - nondescript short-haired dude is flipping the usual switches on the bridge and telling them to take off. On the shuttle, Budget Troi is cuddling up to Adama. ???????? a brief narration and caption fest as Adama explains in voiceover where they're going and why it exists. Way to disrupt the show. Whatever. It's one of the many planets with humans on it. They run across planets just like it all the time. The villagers are running and hiding at the sight of the moon, because when the moon is full, the pig people ride! I'm not kidding - and these are the ugliest pig masks ever. They have nothing to protect themselves (the villagers, that is) except an old musket... rifle... long old-looking gun. Constable goes outside with the gun. The pigs are riding camels in costume and we're expected to believe there are so many of them that the buildings are shaking up and down and around. Right. I think it's always night on whatever planet because it's easier to disguise really bad props and riding animals. You never get a clear look at anything, between that and the quick cuts from one thing to the next. GAH-inducing scene in which Adama manipulates himself a chaperone. Mini-Lwaxana wants to get him alone, and that's the last thing Adama wants. Starbuck and Boomer ride off on a tank-thingie with the energizer whatsis, and Adama is fending off Mini-Lwaxana with "please, not in front of the children." Apollo gives him a classic "I hate you Father" look when he says that. I laughed. Bonus: here's a picture of Adama and his eager lady friend, seeing off Boomer and Starbuck. Coincidentally, it's also a perfect example of why this show has no credibility at all. My planit iz pastede on yay. Of course, I could grab any still from just about anywhere and show you something unconvincing. This is pretty obviously bad, though. And I guess the title is meant to be funny. Starbuck and Boomer go to town, talk to the folk (who scheme to turn Starbuck into the new constable), and are driving off in their little humvee thingie when nets fall on them. Bandits make off with everything and leave them in the road, on foot, swearing in fake curse words. "Why buy the energizer if you can steal it?" Boomer sez, in disgruntled brilliance. Magnificent! Or, the title is homage to the Magnificent Seven. By which we (those of us who saw that movie, anyway) know that Our Heroes will help the poor pig-ridden village. Which we already knew they would. There's a dude with a sparkly jacket and poofy shirt in charge in the village - we'll call him Liberace - and when Starbuck goes back and confronts him about the theft, Lib sez there's no theft in Serenity and there must be some other explanation. He wants Starbuck to stick around and work for a while ... as constable. Starbuck lays out the cash, and Liberace gives him a hard time, chatting about conversion from quantums to quatloos to Australian dollars. The next thing you know Starbuck's gambling and winning. Gambling for seeds, prostituting for seeds... between Adama and Starbuck we've got a whole lot of sinnin' going on. Flash to the pig people. Sharpen weapons. Point at moon. RRRRR, OOOO. Liberace gives Starbuck the badge of the constable as if it's some sort of money. As-You-know-Bob talking to a chum in the background informs us it doesn't matter how you get it, you're still responsible once you have it to protect and so forth. Like Starbuck's going to buy into their rules - well, what am I saying. He will. The Plot Fairy said so. Boomer walks back to camp and tells everyone else the bad news - they repeat everything he's saying, I guess because someone thought it was funny. Adama makes an odd series of assignments somehow managing to keep himself adequately chaperoned. No one is fooled. Everyone looks at each other like "the old man's lost it." Budget Troi is sniping about sending boys to do men's work, and Adama tries to get her to shut up. She says she'll tell him where the energizer is for a kiss - wait, how does she know? She lays one on him and says it's worth it. I guess she likes being kissed insincerely? She shows him the tracks of the transport leading up to a shed - he kisses her briefly out of gratitude and races off to re-appropriate his goods. Maybe I'm cynical that way, but if an old lady in a foofy purple bathrobe can spot something that warriors/soldiers can't, maybe we should fire Greenbean and Apollo and have her doing the real work? "Squire" Adama comes to the saloon looking for the local law enforcement, apparently thinking it will be simple to report his stolen goods, show them to the constable, and get them back. He doesn't figure on the village folk introducing him to Constable Starbuck. In a more private setting, he reams Starbuck a new one for always getting himself into situations like this, giving me flashbacks to every time Little Joe did something boneheaded and got Pa to help him get out of trouble, only Starbuck doesn't have Hoss standing around looking sheepish for helping him. "My main suspect was playing cards," Starbuck excuses. (I'm using a said-bookism for Seema, of course.) Liberace comes in, Adama tries to wiggle his officer out of the constable gig. Liberace ain't having it. He's actually fessing up now to the existance of the pig-dog camel riders and listing out the damages, and Starbuck wibbles ineffectually - oh, yeah, he's such a man. "I don't feel so well." Bleah. Apollo comes in and wants them to come along - pig-dogs are raiding the food. Adama wants Budget Troi to go hide in the jail. He takes charge, takes the men to the edge of town, and it's a showdown! "Holy frak, feels like they could shake us to death!" Yeah, Starbuck, I think it's funny too. Budget Troi arms herself and stomps back out there to help. And gets kidnapped. Great. Hopefully Adama knows poetry? (yes, bad TNG fan, no biscuit for obscure references. This is re: a bad ep in which Picard fakes undying devotion to Lwaxana to convince a Ferengi... oh, never mind.) Liberace and Co. plus Adama and Co. decide to go after her in the regained vehicle along with the daggit, who has tracking ability. Heck, a blind deaf-mute has better tracking ability than these people. Muffy leads them ... somewhere. It's dark. I'd like to see you do better. He goes in a cave, the guys get torches and go in after, and are busily as-you-know-bobbing as they wander through toward a fire. The budget Tellarites surround them. The head pig boy beckons, Adama goes over to ... grunt with him, and he's led in a smaller cave where Bellaby is being held. She burbles something about how much he must love her and he just does this great eye roll. Back at the fire, things are tense. Adama comes back and froths about how stubborn lazy and self centered the leader is, and he can't be reasoned with. How'd he figure out the lazy part? Starbuck develops a light bulb and whispers with Adama then goes in -- it's a long shot, Adama says, but worth a try. A few tense minutes later Starbuck comes back with Budget Troi. So, what did he do? Hmmm. Back at the village, transactions are finally finished and seed is acquired. Starbuck announces that he's solved everyone's problem. Guess what? he gave the job of constable, and the badge, to the leader of the pig dogs. The villagers have to accept it after all. No more raids, no more problem. Bellaby kisses Starbuck in joy and informs Adama she needs a different sort of man, that he's just too dignified and serious - she wants a "real animal." And goes to buy the house a drink. blink blink Apollo thanks the lords, cause he justs didn't see calling her mother. Adama gives him a long slow incredulous look. Freeze Frame. Cut to Trumpets of Pomposity and Adama's ragtag fleet voiceover. The next episode: The Young Lords. Starbuck crashes. Things happen. It looks like night again. Whee.

Lost in Castration You may have seen this article a long time ago. I didn't even know it existed, nor did I know Dirk Benedict had a website. Here's the thing: I've been watching both series. The lovable rogue of old came off to me as flirtatious all right, but you know, a cage match between him and the new Starbuck? He'd probably lose. He'd try to flirt with her, or totally misjudge her cause she's a girl. In an actual military setting, Starbuck the lovable rogue would have washed out before the cylons ever arrived thanks to his habit of manipulating situations so he could break the rules. So would Apollo, who, in the 1978 series, rushed off willy-nilly and disobeyed orders on a weekly basis, getting himself and others into dangerous situations and out of contact with Galactica. The women 1978-Starbuck flirted with were petty and one-sided, responding to their emotional urges in pretty much the same way a toddler would. In other scenes they are presented as being level-headed and professional. The characters had multiple personalities, depending on how the show's writers and/or production crew wanted the plot to unfold, and the characters were sacrificed to their whimsy. It happened all the time in television and it still does. But, I have a lot of problems with that sort of writing. The main difference between the two series is that one is not character-centered, and the other follows a logical progression of incident-reaction-character growth/change, in which the writers have an idea of the main events and how characters will behave, and write the characters consistently. I'll let you guess which is which. Example: My initial reaction to a female Starbuck was disbelief. Then I watched, and saw that by comparison, female-Starbuck is actually more macho than male-Starbuck. She out-plays, out-bullies, and out-flies most of the guys. Which is not to say the guys are pansies - Helo, Apollo, Racetrack and others are fit, toned, athletic soldiers with attitudes, and certainly approach problems with the respect for discipline and chain of command that one would expect -- except when Apollo goes against his father because Adama is moving against the president. Starbuck the girl is believable because her history, revealed to us not as her explaining it to someone but in bits and pieces, usually through others forcing her to reveal it - also consistent with her character. She is a tough, determined, and also somewhat broken person who is doing the best she can. We can hurt for her because we, or most of us, have known someone who was abused, know people who are compensating for deep personal hurts, know people who are their own worst enemy with flawed personalities. She's the same character over and over, but she grows slowly, learns from mistakes, and we feel as though we know her because we see this happening. Whereas the old Starbuck was the same from episode one til episode last. You don't need more than one episode to know he's a lovable rogue with a charming smile and a hedonistic bent. He's loyal to his friends, not afraid to leap into a fight, loves to fly. To an extent this is also true of new Starbuck - but she is not a lovable rogue. She's a stubborn woman who's gone into the military and loves to fly, but her willingness to leap into a fight may very well be tied to a deeper, unexpressed death wish. She's complicated. She's human, not a paper doll hero. And then there's Apollo, who firmly believes that the colonies' best interests are served by preserving the government, which supercedes the need for him to follow orders. In other words, he disobeys orders because he believes he has a moral imperative to do so. Not because he wants to spare his fellow soldiers, out-macho anyone, or any of the other reasons old-Apollo had whenever he turbo'd off alone into space on some wild ride into danger. This is a character-driven plot choice. Apollo believes in a democratic government and will even buck the military to preserve it when the military shows signs of moving against it. This isn't to say that I don't care for the older version; I loved the 1978 series, and I loved the characters. But I was also a kid then. I watch the episodes today and wince, and wish that the writers had done better. I don't care about the special effects so much as I do about the characters. When Athena throws a hissy about Starbuck seeing Cassiopia, I wince. When Cassie shrugs off Starbuck's wanton ways, I wince. These aren't the adults I'm hoping to see now, years later, looking back at shows I watched in my formative years. These are high school kids playacting relationship dynamics. And while it's certainly common for adults to act like kids - check out any divorce in progress for an example of regression - I'd hope that even if they were inept with relationships, even if they had emotional problems, they would behave differently. Part of maturity is learning to react with a balanced perspective - not ignoring emotional reactions but treating emotions as one of several factors that should influence decision making. Most of the characters in the old series are working out of the id, except for Adama, who is a fine example of the ego at work. Mr. Benedict says that the newer version is female-driven. In a cast with equal numbers of females and males? The original had two regular female members, a revolving door of short-timers, and Serena gets killed in the first couple of episodes for the sin of marrying Apollo. (This is often called the Bonanza effect, wherein love interests of the main characters die because the guys need to be free to receive the adoration of the hoards of female fans.) Athena and Cassiopia (and later Sheba) have supporting roles. Athena sits on the bridge and announces things, even though we're told she's a pilot and a warrior. Cassie is a nurse, though originally a hooker. Sheba is one of the pilots - and why are all the new recruits female when they get around to recruiting? Just because there are females on the show does not make it female-centric; giving females names and speaking roles only evens out the playing field. Having a lot of women on the screen but having only two or three with speaking parts, then showing them being over-emotional and wishy-washy, does nothing for me. I am not a badge-carrying, all-caps FEMINIST who sees injustice in every instance of a female character in a supporting role; I merely appreciate well-rounded, realistic characters of all genders. So I'd have to say the newer BSG wins on that front, in that whether dealing with male or female, I can believe that the characters are people, rather than trying to ignore irritating bits while enjoying the good. The show is human-centric. And 'enjoy' isn't necessarily right. 'Appreciate' is more like it. New BSG is rather more like the HBO series, in that it doesn't idealize. But I never really believed, in the old series, that the characters were really suffering so much - Apollo mentioned his dead wife a number of times but only when the plot demanded, and while he and Starbuck were always racing off to spare each other whatever consequences going on the long patrol would cause them ("you just got married, I'll go"). There were no real consequences for them. Starbuck took the patrol, crashed, went through a lot of whatever, but always came back in the end with no real price paid for taking the mission instead of Apollo. Heroes in 70s tv were predictable that way: 1) no consequences for breaking rules or disobeying orders (unless it was a cop show, then the chief would chew them out and then do nothing) 2) no marriage/long-term romance 3) no permanent disability or injury with consequences that last longer than one episode. New BSG chops those rules up and spits them out. Heroes are injured and on crutches, and struggle with recovery. They die. They stay on Caprica to send a scientist back to the fleet, because they believe said scientist is more useful to the common good, then suffer through hunger, radiation poisoning, and long runs through wilderness to escape the enemy. No, it's not very enjoyable to watch. But life is like that. You struggle. Maybe not with cylons, but with work schedules and sick kids and idiot bosses who make you stay long hours. And if there's one thing that keeps a human being sane, it's knowing that we're not alone in struggling, and spacemen fighting robots is only given effective emotional connection for us when the struggle is in terms we understand. There's a lot riding on every shot of a viper's laser, but the more visceral, less CGI shots of Starbuck in a hospital bed hating life, of Helo in the rain panting and limping - they connect us so when the viper does fire it has more impact. The viper fights are more visceral in the new series because we aren't shown stock footage of the same four maneuvers over and over again; we see the pilots in the cockpits, sweating and swearing, collisions and palpable fear, and interspersed shots of how vast space is and how distant the Galactica, how nukes strike panic into them. I never get that space is vast in the old series. I don't buy into the idea that the cylons are that much of a threat - we only see three of them at a time. No wonder the fleet can hold the cylons at bay with one squadron - yeah, there was red and blue squadron, but why do we never see them all? We see two or three vipers. The limits of budget, yes. But. It's not the special effects that do it. Are we more interested in the Matrix or in BSG 2003? Which one connects us with the characters more? Matrix is pretty and neat and waaaaay cool special effects - and one-dimensional, when held up to a show that allows us to feel with the characters. One of the things that jars me (today) out of old BSG is that the props/special effects department tries too hard. Women in spandex, plastic props, irritating and difficult names for everything (resorting to scientific names for some animals and fake time unit names based on metrics really throws me for a loop), and all that reconstituted myth couched in Lorne Green's lugubrious delivery -- too much. New BSG shows a civilization not much different than our own. Alien, but familiar. It works very well. Adama wears glasses, as do several others. The clothes aren't wild polyester and foil attempts at futuristic. Not having CGI doesn't have to be a drawback. I suppose the upshot of what I'm trying to say is that re-imagined isn't un-imagined, as Mr. Benedict insists. Different isn't worse, or better, it's simply different. I can suppose there might be others who believe the first version was superior -- in presenting idealistic and one-sided characters, yes. In character development and presentation, no. The original Star Trek had more primitive special effects and some pretty hammy acting, and yet I can watch the most wince-worthy of Trek episodes and be less annoyed than I was by The Gun on Ice Planet Zero or The Lost Patrol because the plot had some sense to it. Sure, someone stealing Spock's brain to run their air conditioning was a hare-brained excuse for sticking a widget on Nimoy's head, dressing a few women up in fur bikinis, and letting McCoy and Spock crack wise, but at least they made a passing attempt at science, and the characters were consistent. At least we weren't expected to believe a single star system had 12 life-sustaining planets, that every asteriod and moon has a breathable atmosphere despite total absence of plants or some artificial means of creating one, or that a random prisoner on a forgotten planet will draw maps to Earth on his cell wall to be discovered by a pilot who just happens to be thrown in the same cell and remember the pictographs accurately enough to correct a drawing of the Earth system rendered by a small child. There's a thing called 'suspension of disbelief.' Mine was a lot more durable when I was a kid, apparently. It certainly withstood crap like that much better before I had a clearer understanding of science and statistical probability.

Okay, at some point, you'll hate me. I know it. Then you'll comment and tell me to STOP with the old BSG eps, and I probably will, just because I'm hating it... except this one. The title's wacky, but you know, there's something familiar about it. The fleet sends the folks from the prison ship to do some hard labor. I'm always amused by the little crew mover things - they cram the pilots on them and then roll the guys through the halls to the landing bays. I have this urge to throw a bowling ball. Pigtail girl is on the job again. The latest scout mission finds a hostil ice planet - as in hostile atmosphere. She shows their scan on the screen. Boomer and Starbuck go for a closer look. Now we're getting something we haven't had before -- cylons in their base are preparing to fire, and get the attention of the patrol. They hit the first viper in range with their super gun. I can see where this is going. They're gonna send prisoners to take it out. I think I like the search for water idea better. Two cadets go into the atmosphere - against orders, but hey, no one gets disciplinary action for that anyway. Of course, one gets shot. The other is forced down by cylon raiders. All he needs now is a tauntaun. Starbuck and a reluctant Boomer go in next, but Boomer convinces him to go home to report -- finally, someone takes a suggestion! The stock footage keeps showing three vipers instead of two. Whatever. The Conversation on the bridge. What can we do against a big gun like that? A small ground force. Cue the computer search and the selection of prisoners. Cue the cute goodbye scene with Boxey. Apollo's going? So are Boomer and Starbuck. So are six prisoners with arctic experience. I wonder if you searched every prison in the US, how many prisoners would have arctic exploration experience? More footage of cylons reacting to the appearance of vipers and a shuttle. Wow, this is the most I've seen of actual centurions, like ever. And they're boring and monotone. I don't think the centurions in BSG 03 ever speak, come to think of it. The shuttle gets shot, crashes into snow, and we're off to adventure! Galactica can't read them anymore. The cylons in slow monotone talk to the patrol, letting them know to search for wreckage and leave no survivors -- everyone repeats everything everyone else says! ack! Quit talking! The shuttle's in bad shape; Starbuck smacked his head on the console and everyone got thrown around. They drive a landram off the shuttle - wow, so that's how they get them down there. Apollo finds Boxey in the vehicle - "Muffit wanted to see snow." Good grief! Starbuck uses the gun on the vehicle to shoot down the cylons. Oh, goody, cylons are torturing the captured pilot with acrylic rods connected to his cortex. Which they aren't, they're sort of hanging down around him, and he looks not so worried yet. The cylon claims the machine will read his mind. "You have a nervous system that carries impulses. Impulses that contain information." For a bunch of... things that have access to a mindreading machine, these centurions are amazingly untechnical. The storm hits, so the transport stops and they wait it out. Muffit hops out of the transport and runs off. We get scenes of cylons wandering in the snow, and the daggit running around, and it looks like the daggit will confront them - except it doesn't. People walk out of the snow, and then we go to a big room where all the folks are unmasked and waking up. A hunting party found Muffit who led it back to the transport. Huh? Not only that, they look the same - clones. Lots of the same women, lots of the same men. Now, of all the things you would expect to find on a planet where the air actually turns liquid, would you say 'clones?' As it turns out, the cylons have a human scientist who built the laser and is allowed to stay there experimenting as he wants to so long as he helps them. Shades of scientist Baltar of next gen BSG. So then there's this long trek through the snow, where they all stumble along, and the cylons are out wandering around too, and there's hiding and slogging and more snow. Back on the base star, which we haven't seen in a while, Lucifer and Baltar duke it out verbally before a 'to be continued' flashes on the screen. Baltar's face is weird - like rubber, like Phlox's in that scene in the Enterprise pilot (which is about all I saw of that show). Only it's not special effects. It's just John Colicos' enormous chipmunk cheeks. I guess I need to watch part two. Someday.

At least it wasn't the LOST patrol. I was a little burned out on the lost theme. At some point, I'm going to write an essay comparing the two BSG's. Not original, perhaps, but what about me really is? Nothing new under the sun, y'know. Heck, even that's a cliche. As I type this, the Trumpets of Pomposity are working on the credits, as the same four ships sail past three or four times.... And the credits roll, and roll, and here we are at last, with the fleet moving out of a cloud of asteriod dust. Everyone's on the bridge -- well, Adama, and Adama Jr., and Adopted Adama the III i.e. Boxey. They're leaving their star system. What the frell kind of star system has 12 habitable planets in it? I guess it depends on your definition of star system; maybe they mean a system of 12 stars and associated planets? Apollo sez Starbuck volunteered for a long patrol so he can get on the short list for a visit to the Rising Star, which just opened for business. Athena angsts that she's unable to make it for dinner with Starbuck cause she has to work; Pa'dama cuts her a break and says he'll fill in for her. Gee, thanks, Dad! Cut to the luxury liner, where Starbuck's bribing someone to get a private room so he can make out with Cassiopia. Something tells me Starbuck will have a few difficulties in a short while. Vague memories are coming back to me of juggling two women in two rooms.... Yes, it's Battlesitcom Galactica: The Teen Years. All the ladies are dressed so seventies! Ah, the pastels, the off-the-shoulder flowing gowns.... Oh, gah. They're faux-kissing. Neither actor is really into this. The private room looks like it's decorated in early 80's Holiday Inn. Cassie excuses herself, Starbuck lights up a cigar, and oops, here comes Athena! And then Tall Butler Guy brings in the drinks, and Starbuck lays down the square gold-painted chips for another room, hustling Athena on out of there before Cassie returns. Quick cut to the bridge and back, for a single line about "hope Starbuck is enjoying himsef" - we're meant to laugh, I guess. Starbuck is feeding square chunks of styrofoam to Athena, who mumbles something about how wonderful they are. He jumps up to run to his other room, claiming he'll get more, and stops in to smooch on Cassiopia. Then a page over the loudspeaker yells for him to report to Galactica. He dashes in to say goodbye to Athena as well. On his way down the hall he loads up the butler with cubits aka money, and rushes off. They look more like gold-painted triscuits than cubits. Athena and Cassie are wandering down from two directions, each with their souvenir clusters from Starbuck's jacket, and bump into each other -- guess how long it takes Athena to exclaim in fake dismay? Cassie just smiles. Ain't that just like Starbuck? He changes into something dark brown and velour, jumps in his viper, and is informed that they lightened the ship by removing the laser generators. So, he's going on a long patrol without weapons. Whee. He's also wearing a different helmet. Hmm. He tests the maneuverability of the lighter ship and finds out that a new computer has been installed. Gee, must've missed that briefing. You'd think he would get a "getting started" pamphlet (or maybe - gasp - actual training) but, no. Surprise! Her name's C.O.R.A. I'm having flashbacks to Voyager's 'Drive.' Which was executed with more logic and better writing. CORA's speaking in slang and sighing in frustration - geeze, the computers in this are so not computer-like. Hey, there's two ships - they look vaguely colonial. They're shooting at each other, too. One goes down on a moon. Starbuck argues with CORA over who gets to land the viper. He just can't cut a break with women, can he? Convenient that every moon and asteriod has an atmosphere, eh? He lands, he comes over to the crashed ship, he nearly gets beaned by a faux-Irishman who's claiming he's shipping parts to farmers. The dude offers him ambrosia that's very old and very good to buy his silence. Dude's afraid of pirates. He thinks Starbuck is a pirate. He manages to distract him and knock him out, and tries to take his viper. Come on, CORA, where are you? Dude turns her on, and tells her where to go - she wants to find Starbuck. Irishman is sending a code to someone and the Cylons picked it up. Athena's all worried and confuzzled by this code, and now they have to send a couple more vipers after the long patrol, who has no weapons, blah blah he-might-be-captured. Geeze louise, guys, you could have sent two vipers out the first time and let them keep the weapons! You'd think they would figure out that if Apollo or Starbuck gets two miles from Galactica, they'll fall out of the sky and end up riding growling horses or being clobbered by space-Irishmen. Boomer and Apollo take off. Pigtail girl - have I mentioned her? She's apparently the Dualla-analog in this series, gives permission to launch and so forth - transfers control to the pilots and they fly. Meanwhile Starbuck wakes up, takes off in the Dude's ship, and gets chased down by another faux-Irish in a uniform. He doesn't introduce himself as a warrior or anything, tries to reason with them, then tries to tell the truth, then tries to bribe them. Too bad you're not in uniform, huh? Quick shot of vipers flying - yeah, okay, they're still looking for him. Starbuck wakes up in jail. There's a lot of other people here, all with bottles of something, and they toast to him. They're in Proteus prison, whatever that means. There's an adultress here too, with her spawn. They're talking in terms of 'sin' and have names that correspond with the sins of their forefathers, which is why they're here - they're being punished for stuff their great grandads committed. Huh. They've been living here for generations making ambrosia for the colonies. Starbuck thinks this is wonderful since there's hardly any of it in the fleet. Cassie comes to the bridge, taps Athena for an explanation of where Starbuck is, and she explains. Cassie lingers as another transmission comes in -- she recognizes the code as a merchant code, because her pappa used to have her transmit his merchant... messages. I guess. Good thing Athena was so nice and not at all vindictive toward the woman who was smoochin' her so-called boyfriend. Or whatever she thinks he is. Apollo and Boomer follow the signal of the lost viper and find it parked in a back lot in Hollywood that looks like it was last used for a spaghetti western. I expect a cast of gringos and cowpokes to appear, but instead, someone's shooting lasers at them. They return fire. Faux Irish limps away in a hurry, they give chase. They run, dodge laser fire, run, separate, crouch, creep, kick in doors.... Come on, guys, just follow the smell of whisky. Boomer's about to shoot when a woman runs out and scream and bumps into him. They call off the fun then - a woman and child are present! no fighting! The explanation comes in the morning - did I mention it was night? - and we discover they were in prison, and escaped, and Irish was doing his best to provide. The fleet changes course. There are cylons on the way. Sadly, this means the three vipers won't know where they are. Boxey shows up on the bridge so we the audience can see the daggit again, and he delivers a heartfelt "i miss my daddy" monologue, and Pa'dama tells him stories about earth, cuddling him on his knee. I don't remember liking that cuddling thing when I was eight. Starbuck is informed his new name is Bootlegger 147. He charges at the guard, finds out all the cell doors are open, and boggles that all the folks are staying there. He delivers his dramatic revelation that the colonies had no idea these people were still here, that he's a colonial warrior, blah blah, and everyone buys into his story immediately and overtakes the guards. Everyone runs outside - wow, the prisoners are so fit for living in tiny cells - and just then Apollo and Boomer arrive to exchange banter and deliver the bullet - Galactica's out of range and cylons are coming! The three vipers launch and Starbuck has CORA do the driving. Hmm, there are only three cylons? They were acting like it was a huge fleet. CORA flirts with him. They execute a maneuver that results in Starbuck losing consciousness due to the excessive g's they pull - CORA coos until he wakes up again. The cylon following them crashed into the prison. Boom goes the ambrosia. Starbuck's disappointed. Flip to the Rising Star, where everyone including the faux Irish and his family are dining around a table set with plates of food cubes in pastel colors. Boxey gives his father a drawing he did of a solar system and Starbuck sez it's wrong, that this blue planet goes over here, and this launches questions of how he knew that. He remembers it from drawings in the cell he was in back on Proteus. Irish sez that was the cell inhabited by some old prisoner who did nothing but draw pictures all the time, who was some sort of wise dude. Isn't that convenient how he knew this, seeing as how he didn't know what cell Starbuck was in? Pa'dama pontificates that this is the solar system where earth is. Trumpets of Grandiosity! End credits! I'm doubting at this point that the writers of this show really meant to be so pedantic and stilted. But. Forcing the characters to do and say odd and illogical things to accomplish contorted plot turns will inevitably end up with this sort of acting. It's as though, once the plot was in place, they were trying to shoehorn in all kinds of after-the-fact rationalizations to make it all hang together, rather than rewriting. Onward.

They certainly lose a lot in this series. Lance LeGault is in this one. Wooo. Apollo is running from Cylons in his viper - what's he doing out there alone? Oh - Adama tells the eager pilots who want to help him that it's a plot to surprise the Cylons who are pursuing him. Sure enough, the minute the Cylons transmit something about him, he brakes and shoots but doesn't get all of them. Then he's out of fuel and has to - yes, indeed - he has to crash. Which he does. On a handy planet where people are living in the old West, if the West were able to use tinfoil as clothing. Shot of a kid grooming a palomino pony, scolding it for growling and alerting a thieving something or other that was after their flock -- I remember this now, it's the planet of growling horses. The viper flies in low and the kid hopes on another pony and heads out, even though his mom shouts for him to stop. Kid introduces Apollo to the way of his world, where his dad's dead, his uncle comes around to help out on the place, and he's never seen a ship before. Mom appears and insists they hide the viper. Boxey races up on the bridge looking for someone to talk to. The folks tell him lies about Apollo and Starbuck and Boomer take the kid to the "bachelor officer's quarters" - I'd figure Grandpa Adama would be a better choice, but that's me. Back at the homestead, Ma is rustling some grub. Meager rations. She's got a half linen, half leather outfit on, including a leather skirt over white pants. She's also really uptight. Evidently, her husband was killed and Apollo dampens her ire by telling her his wife was killed. They're interrupted by a rider approaching - it's a cylon on horseback. His chest plate is dented as if he's been shot by bullets. He wants to know if anyone heard anything. Uncle shows up in a tinfoil cowboy hat. Kid says it's Uncle Booties. giggle Cylon goes away, reminding them they're behind on tribute. Somehow, I don't think the Cylons in these parts are quite what anyone expected. Ma explains to Apollo, after some really iffy acting/expositioning on the part of kid and uncle, that kid's dad was a warrior dueling with Red-Eye aka Cylon Mounted Police, and she doesn't want kid to become a warrior. So she hasn't told him about it. "Red-Eye only kills those who try to kill him." Uncle wants Apollo to kill the Cylon - Apollo doesn't want to because where there's one, there's more, and he doesn't want to incite the Cylons to kill everyone. Back in the barracks, Boxey is playing pyramid with the guys - for jelly beans. Good grief. Kid wins. Wooo. Cassiopia rushes in and scolds 'em one and all for teaching him to play cards, smoke, and drink. Aw, Boxey has to go now. The next scene switch takes us to what we are apparently supposed to believe is a honky-tonk bar, complete with a piano and player, sci fi version, which is a funky board with lights on it and noises like someone's whacking on an electronic harpsichord. It's the same tune you'll hear in every spaghetti western ever. The only one here not wearing a tinfoil cowboy hat is a boss hogg wannabe in a white suit and matching ten gallon. When Apollo saunters in and orders... didn't catch that, Boss snaps his fingers and a guy comes over and knocks his drink out of his hand. Apollo's in borrowed clothes so he doesn't stand out. The guy crowds him repeatedly, so he goes over and sits with the Cylon, in the corner. And starts a conversation. The Cylon "senses" he wants to destroy him -- did they assimilate a few telepaths or something? The Cylon stands and gets mouthy at Apollo; Boss tells Red Eye to SIT and he does. A chick in frilly hookerwear tells Apollo "Lacerda wants to see you." Boss is all of five feet away - why doesn't he just say so? Oh yeah, he's the Boss. "You have courage, a foolish trait." Yeah, Boss. That's our Apollo. Apollo says he wants to work for him. Uh huh. He leaves, rides back to the homestead on a horse painted with pseudo zebra stripes. Ma Kettle tells him the kid is out chasing lupus, which so far I'd heard as loopas until I saw them -- they mean wolves. Kid's trying to shoot a wolf and misses. He reloads and hits it just in time. Apollo shows up for a chat about being a man even when Ma thinks you're still a kid... hmm, the boy appears to be all of ten. Galactica, commander's office. The Cylons aren't pursuing. Apollo's tactic worked, Tigh says, and everyone wants to go looking for him. Adama pontificates and froths at the mouth about not wanting to risk the fleet. Tigh flails his hands and froths back at him until he allows a patrol to launch. Apollo talks the kid to sleep, then talks to Ma Kettle about finding the Cylon outpost to get fuel. Her cousin Jason rides up and lets them know Red Eye took half Uncle Booties' herd of ovines. Back at the bar the Bootster rages and rants and chews scenery in the Boss' general direction. Boss gives the signal to Red Eye, who rises from the chair and hovers his big metal hand over his gun. Draws and shoots Booty just as Apollo and friends arrive. The kid shoots at the Cylon but Apollo yanks the gun away and breaks it. Kid shrieks at Apollo and runs out. Apollo knows the Cylon won't shoot an unarmed someone. How? I don't know. It's not your typical Cylon. Maybe Apollo's telepathic too? Plus, it threatened him when he just talked to it, so I'm thinking there's a flaw in his reasoning somewhere. Not that the writers care. The Cylon sits down. Starbuck and Boomer are flying long and hard, seeking their lost friend, brainstorming ways to stay out longer and still have fuel to get home. Apollo apologizes to Ma, standing outside the bar. She says he did the right thing even if no one else understands and kisses him on the cheek. He stalks off, and a bar girl calls him over to a corner. She warns him Lacerda and Marcos are plotting against him. She tells him how Red Eye came to be there; there was a crashed ship and they found one centurion still working. She knows a lot of details, handily. Enough that Apollo knows he can now shoot with impunity so he goes to his horse and straps on his laser pistol. Marcos calls him out while he's doing so. What timing. Boss Lacerda calls out Red Eye, and there's a shootout! Everyone hides behind stuff. Apollo is faster than the Cylon, surprise surprise, and it falls flat then dies in a fountain of sparks. Everyone gathers round, except the bad guys, who escape out the back alley. Back at the homestead, cute little blond kid is all 'zap, zap, pow!' and crowing about how he's gonna be a hero just like Apollo. Apollo gives him a stern talking down and accidentally calls kid 'Boxey' which is enough to remind Ma he needs to go home and not stick around being her new baby daddy. She tells him she knows where her husband's ship crashed and maybe there's fuel.... The patrol finds him. Boomer lets out one of the fake yee-hah yells they do from time to time when things are going swell. Apollo is on his way home, leaving babe o' the week to comfort her kid that he'd be back someday.... Obvious she doesn't know about the Bonanza effect. (cf: old western tv show "Bonanza," featuring a man and his three adult sons, who often had a lady love last an entire hour-long show then kick off in the last five minutes, usually shot, leaving her Cartwright boy free for some romance later in the series.) Otherwise she wouldn't want him to come back. You know, I think I'll go clean my palate with some BSG 2003 now.